


you’re staring at the sky, watching stars collide

by leviosuga



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, changbin being sad after hyunjin dies i guess !, no editing im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-16 01:08:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19307554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviosuga/pseuds/leviosuga
Summary: Maybe, and just maybe, if Changbin was distant from everyone else, he could get to wherever Hyunjin was and see him again.





	you’re staring at the sky, watching stars collide

The air is crisp and sharp and cuts through Changbin’s skin like a knife. No matter how many layers of clothing he wears before leaving the house, it’s never enough. The winter is getting harsher around this time of year, but he can’t bring himself to care.  
He could have worn a thicker coat, the one he has at home with wool covering and a proper hood, unlike the thinly and embarrassing excuse of a sweater he had on. It didn’t protect against the lightest wind, much less the snowy conditions of the empty streets. He hadn’t worn the coat in over 5 months, hiding it deep in his closet so the familiar scent doesn’t haunt him throughout the day.  
Last time it was used it hadn’t been worn by him, instead very nicely fitting around his boyfriend’s arms, a little too short on the wrists but oh so warm.   
Changbin didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about how the hood pressed softly against his hair, strands covering his eyes as he would make silly attempts to blow it off. Or how he giggled at the size of the coat, making fun of Changbin’s stature with nothing but endearment.   
He scowled and forced his brain to think of anything else, considering rolling his sleeves up and letting the snowflakes hit his bare arms just to feel alive.  
His steps were hard against the sidewalk, his uncomfortable shoes sinking into the bottoms of his feet. He huffed out and his breath was pearly white in front of him as he made his way to nowhere.  
Changbin could feel his phone violently ringing inside his pocket, knowing for a fact it was probably Jisung desperate to know where he had wandered off this time.   
His friends were well aware of how unhealthy Changbin’s habits had become, disappearing in the middle of the night and only showing up again during the morning, red-eyed and smelling of bitter alcohol.  
He wasn’t going to pick up again, hoping that maybe if he were left alone for long enough, he would vanish entirely. Maybe, and just maybe, if he was distant from everyone else, he could get to wherever Hyunjin was and see him again.  
He could feel the sides of his eyes fill with tears and the vibration of his phone was driving him insane and he could barely stop heavy breaths coming from his lungs.  
Changbin looked around and everything was him. It was the sidewalk he and Hyunjin would take walks on, it was the buildings after buildings they would jokingly pose in front of, Changbin knew these paths from the bottom of his heart and yet he felt so lost without the warm presence by his side.  
Most nights, Changbin would blindly make his way to any random bar, drink from any random cup until his mind was too foggy to remember anything and his chest felt too heavy and his limbs were too long.  
Occasionally, nights like these would come along. Where he was too exhausted to be angry. Where his memories got the best of him and he had nowhere to go except a past life he didn’t get to live.  
He passed the bar in a hurry, the rusty doors almost those of a second home to him. If he even had a first.  
Changbin instead wound up at a different pair of doors, large and wooden, comfortable yellow lights greeting him from inside.  
The public library held no people besides him and a lazy worker, yawning as they absently scrolled through any browser on their computer. The floors would creak under his weight and books were mismatched on their shelves, but none of that really mattered to him.   
He found himself sitting on a desk, one that most would pass by without blinking an eye, but he knew exactly which one it is.   
A finger scraped the sides of it and he landed right where he wanted, where two, minuscule but visible initials were engraved, there to stay forever.   
“H+C”.  
It had been two years ago, when they had just recently met, ending up at this same desk every saturday to hopelessly study for college. They would never study, always choosing to abandon their books and discuss anything and everything until the librarian had to politely ask them to leave.   
Once Hyunjin let it slip that he was afraid of losing everyone, and Changbin had been so appalled at the idea of this loving boy being alone that he had twisted the keys to his dorm, messily scratching those two with each other.  
“See? Now at least we’re here forever, together.”  
The boy’s cheeks had turned into a light pink tint, and Changbin had felt for the first time what it was to like someone so much he wishes they would never leave their side.  
The initials were raggedy against his hands but he couldn't stop dragging his fingertips against them, almost going back to the exact moment where he wrote them, so young and lovingly and real.  
It had also been at this exact same place where he had asked Hyunjin to date him, deciding Hyunjin wouldn’t be too mean if it were in public.  
Changbin was honest and maybe a bit too direct and the question was far from perfect, but Hyunjin loved him too much and had jumped eagerly into his arms, receiving a scolding from others as he muttered ‘yes, yes, yes’ over and over again into Changbin’s ear. They both had carved in a heart right next to the initials, hands brushing as they held the same set of keys.  
Changbin then felt the heart under his touch. It was a bit too crooked and one side was bigger than the other but it was so perfect, he had gotten it tattooed for their anniversary once, now he made almost an effort to wear nothing but wear long sleeves so it would hurt less.  
He now placed his forearm next to it, both identical. He opened the smallest of smiles, tracing the lines on his skin with his other hand, the same way Hyunjin would before they would fall asleep, tangled in each other hidden beneath messes of blankets and pillows and sheets.  
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, allowing the softest of tears to slip out.  
That was maybe what hurt most. Changbin missed being in love so badly, he missed the bittersweet innocence of it all, even as they got older, the love still perfectly intact.   
He had spent such a long part of his life terrified of romance, the idea of finding someone he truly wanted to be with seemingly unbelievable.   
Suddenly he met Hyunjin and it was all lyrics about the tug in your heart and the way someone’s smile could make everything feel so bright. He would watch his boyfriend (!) dance and reality seemed to be nothing more but the passion Hyunjin felt while dancing.   
Sometimes he would even wish he was more eloquent, nothing he could vocally think of even compare to the way he would feel Hyunjin on his skin, and on his thoughts and on his dreams. He was ridiculously in love, until the flowers had more color and his smiles were brighter and he was warmer than he had ever been.  
This winter wasn’t harsher at all, he concluded. He had just slipped back into grays.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry i just vanish and come back with changbin suffering ! xoxo  
> my twt: @xukusn  
> thank u to my lovely , profoundly patient friends


End file.
